#solidification of your memories and thoughts and feelings

[coern]

if I had a nickel for every time I thought up a joke of 'tsukasa as _ character in _ fandom/universe' and it spiralled out of control and became an actual au I would have 7 nickels

[brckensociety]

lexi didn’t know what to do, part of her wondered what exactly he had planned to do if it had been her ex who came to retrieve the car instead of her, shuddering at the thought of what such revenge would entail. then another part of her felt so sorry for him, for possibly being the one to put him through this and now being the reason he didn’t get his revenge. and then the last part of her mind was overtaken by all the sweet memories she had made with the male, knowing she had felt more than just friendship blossoming between them but not pursuing it, partially because she was scared of hurting their relationship, but also because her now ex had, who she had known for a while but not as long as jesse had asked her out and she thought he was a good man so said yes. she didn’t even know if jesse had felt the same so it hadn’t been worth the risk, although the thought was so ironic now. her heart ached as she heard his words of disappointment, seeing him in the flesh and hurt, it was likely the reason her ex had kept her apart from him, knowing he’d be her choice if she’d been given it. “i… still, i’m the main reason he was in your life to begin with,” sure, they’d all knew each other to some extent before she started dating him but she’d done her best to bring them together and make them friends for her own benefit. it had failed, for many reasons, but it made her feel she held all the blame, even if she appreciated the fact he was comforting her in this situation.   the blonde remained in place as she watched him step closer, an unconscious pout on her lips. his response to her made her cringe, shaking her head, “no. you’ve never been a monster, and the fact he couldn’t see that just shows how brainwashed people like him are,” she replied in a soft tone, knowing she had never seen the other as bad or a monster despite what he was. a soft sigh escaped her lips at his assumption, “i mean, that had been my plan, before i knew you were here… but i can completely understand you wanting me out of your space,” he had been kind but maybe it was just because of their history, a courtesy, she hadn’t reached out in fear of harming him and now here she was in his space, surely she should leave him be, right? “it’s okay, i’m sure i can find them,” lexi replied, moving closer to the wolf only to walk past him, she knew this place well, navigating it would be easy, plus his noteable anxiety made her not want to bother him further. her walking paused as he spoke about not being mad or offended if she had been recruited, trying to ignore how her stomach twisted as he spoke about still feeling the same way about her, “i could never hunt anyone, what they do, claiming to remove bad things from this world, it’s a lie, they are killing people. they don’t care about if they are good or bad they just see something wrong and take that as a solidification of evil when it’s not,” she knew there were creatures in this world, different species but they surely weren’t all destined to be evil, jesse wasn’t. “not exactly, i know it’s across the country, but that’s all he gave me before i said no and then details obviously stopped being shared…” she admitted, hand raising to run through her hair. “i’m sorry i hindered you with this whole plan…”

a blast from the past not having seen her in a very long time which rendered him completely still momentarily with flashes of their friendship hitting him all at the same time. ignited within him came the sudden heavy thrush of heat promptly due to how he had a crush on her in the past only for it to involuntarily come back again. regaining his defensive composure when eyebrows pinched together and he gazed back at her with narrowed visibly serious eyes. jawline clenched having been prepared and ready to capture and torment her ex or rather get his revenge for having his life ruined. falling silent however when revealed the vehicle actually belonged to her firstly doubting her claim only to realise she was being honest. eyes shifted to the vehicle to the side of him before tilting his head off to the side and turning away from her to face the window. his plan had been for nothing only to look foolish. a sigh escaped when he hunched his shoulders and flattened his palms on the workbench with eyes now looking out through the glass window. " i did all this for nothing. " he muttered as disappointment shrouded his voice. turning his head when he glanced back at her upon her admitting she might have let it slip as to what he was - - this was her fault - - but she wasn't even sure herself. jesse couldn't dream of hurting her still holding that gentle care he harboured for her in the past. " it's fine. maybe you did maybe you didn't. you didn't know who he was. " unable to help but comfort and assure her that the blame was not her own. turning around to face her when he then took a few steps towards her and rubbed the nape of his neck feeling slightly nervous.

dropping his hand back to his side only to then nod faintly in regards to what he interpreted to be a ' joke ' about her ex-boyfriend's aim improving after being shot. " hmm" averting eyes down from her face to the floor as he wasn't pleased however he wasn't annoyed but rather unhappy. " i supposed it would be one less werewolf in the world if he actually didn't miss his mark. i guess he'd be doing everyone a favor by killing a monster." his tone rank with sarcasm as he snickered. " okay well i suppose you want to get out of here as soon as possible? the sooner the better yeah. " having the intention to make her leave quickly since he didn't know if he could control himself around her feeling the need to take and claim her sexually as he restrained himself very firmly causing his arms to shake a little. " yeah, i am sorry your keys are buried in the back. i think i remember where i buried them. " placing his hands on his lower back when arching it at the same time as he appeared to be anxious. " he tried to recruit you? and you said no? i mean even if you said yes i wouldn't be mad or offended. i'd still feel the same way about you. " he admitted only to then clear his throat and shift his eyes back down to the ground feeling awkward towards the last part of his sentence. immediately he changed the subject. " uhh so i take it you don't know where he is? " he questioned squinting his eyes when they returned to gaze back at her face with her alluring scent growing more potent he stood near her only to take a few steps back.

[barzyyy]

I’m hella in my feels. Break my heart.

one too many.

a/n: prepare yourselves for this one. TW: includes mention of death, alcohol/heavy drinking and self-depricating thoughts. it is heavy. please read at your own discretion. my dm’s are open if anyone needs to talk!

italics = flashback.

read this first, if you haven’t already.

————————————

mat could feel the alcohol meeting his stomach. when did he become this way? he knew that he was not in a condition to be drinking as much as he was. he hadn’t eaten in at least a day. somehow the simplest tasks have become the most difficult.

it didn’t help that it was the offseason. all of his teammates were off on vacation. the jealousy quickly turned into resentment. he deleted all of his social media apps because he couldn’t bear to see anyone else happy. he locked himself inside your once shared house, alone. what used to feel like home now felt unsafe. with every corner he turned, there was something that reminded him of you. lipstick on the counter, your shoes kicked off next to the couch, he left them all in the same spot, praying that this was all a dream and that you would come walking through the door again.

he couldn’t get himself to come to terms with reality.

he drunkely stumbled to the couch, mindlessly turning on the tv and surfing through the channels. he landed on a random channel because his thoughts were overtaking him once again.

mat dreamed of being a dad. you both used to talk about starting a family of your own. would your kids have mat’s hair and your eyes? which one of your personalities would they adopt? he wanted so badly to look through the glass at a game and see you standing on the other side with your baby. he wanted to raise a son and teach him all he knew about how to play. he wanted a little girl to put makeup on him and make him sing the songs of all of her favorite disney princesses.

now, he didn’t want a family at all. you were going perfect mother. no one could ever compete with you. and now that you’re gone, he promised himself that no one would ever take your place. sure, he could have kids with someone else, but they would never be the kids he would have had with you. he didn’t want it.

it was easier to put up a wall and block out the feelings. his grief of losing you was too much for him to handle. he would rather just push everything out, experiencing nothing rather than experiencing everything all at once. every time he thought of you, another part of him was taken away. he was a shell of who he once was.

things would have been different if he had went home to you. had he not gone out to the bar with his teammates after the game, you would have never been in the accident. there would have been no reason for you to go over to your friend’s house. now, instead of remembering the celebratory reason why he went out, his memory was plagued by the phone call he received as he got the worst news of his life.

mat could feel the alcohol meeting his stomach. who was he to turn down free alcohol? getting the game winning goal in game 7 made him feel like he was on top of the world. fans in the bar were covering mat’s tab, and he was partying with all of his teammates. out of the corner of his eye, he saw his phone light up with your caller i.d. and his favorite picture of the two of you. he picked it up and started walking through the mass of people to find a quieter place as he answered the call.

“babe, you won’t believe how many people are here! everyone is buying me drinks and-“

“hello?”

the manly voice was unrecognizable. mat stopped in his tracks.

“who is this?” he questioned.

“this is tom haltford, i’m a paramedic with the long island fire department. do you have a relationship with (y/n) barzal?” he asked.

he immediately sobered up. “she’s my wife, what is going on?” his heart was beating out of his chest.

“sir, i regret to inform you that your wife was in an accident. she was in a head-on collision with an impaired driver. she is currently being transported to nassau university medical center. do you have a safe way of getting there? i can send a police officer to pick you up.”

mat could only muster one sentence.

“is she alive?”

silence.

“i am sending an officer to your location. i am so sorry.”

what brought him out of his trance was the feeling of tears hitting his hand. he had not realized that he was crying, but did nothing to stop the onset of emotions that were to come. he buried his head in his hands, taking in the weight of the fact that you would have still been here had he not decided to go out. his shoulders heaved, but he stayed silent. he sobbed for a half an hour straight.

silence was something mat was becoming all too familiar with. he could no longer listen to the radio because every song he heard remided him of you. he didn’t dare go outside, because he couldn’t stop the jealousy that arose when he saw a couple out together. the best he could do was stay at home. his interaction was limited. when he did eat, all he did was get it delivered. even then, his options were scarce because he didn’t want to eat anything that felt significant to your relationship. he no longer ordered take out from your shared favorite thai restaurant down the street. he avoided anything that remided himself of you.

he would have teammates, family and friends text him every now and again to check in. he made it a point at your funeral to promise that he would reach out if he needed help. deep down, he knew from the beginning that those promises were as hollow as the newly-formed void in his heart.

maybe the irony of it all was that what killed you was the same thing he was using to self medicate. over time, one beer turned into to three, then six. he felt as if it was his only escape - alcohol only solidifed the numbness that he had been feeling. but tonight, he knew that he had gone overboard. there were freshly-chugged beer bottles on the table, and the only thing stopping him from taking some of your sleeping pills was his hope that you would come back for them. in addition to the beer, he was down a glass and a half of wine when his body finally began to reject the liquid. he tried to run to the bathroom, but the closest place he could make it was the kitchen sink. his stomach uncontrollably emptied itself, and he was left gasping in between his heaves. when he was done, he ran his hands under the sink and put water on his face. pulling the kitchen towel from the oven to wipe off his face, he looked up and his eyes were met with the picture on your counter from the wedding.

he was in immediate tears as he saw you walking down the aisle. your dress perfectly hugged your curves and your smile had been the biggest he’d ever seen. he felt a soft nudge from behind him.

”stay strong man, stay strong.” beau whispered, trying to help mat preserve any ounce that was left of his ego.

“bro, i can’t.” he whispered back, tears running down his face. at that point, you began to cry, and then the whole room was crying.

you both struggled through the tears to read eachother your vows. you were so impressed with how heartfelt his were.

“you helped me learn who i was outside of hockey, and i still fall in love with you every single day. ...and you’re a smokin’ 10, too. so that’s a plus.”

the after party was absolutely insane. you danced and drank the night away with your closest family and friends. you were talking to your best friend when mat came stumbling over to you, hugged you and said “can you believe we’re fucking MARRIED BABE?”

that was it. he couldn’t give up on life anymore. who he was becoming was scaring him. he knew that this is not what you would want. with a shaking hand and a breaking heart, he haphazardly picked up his phone and dialed the first number he could think of. there was an answer halfway through the first ring.

“hey man, you all good?”

inbetween sobs, his words slurred together. “beau, i need you.”

——————————————————

[k-s-morgan]

Wonderful heart shattering snippet! It’s fascinating how I can both be absolutely enraged by Tom’s action but also genuinely feel bad for him. Just now I was binging your story again (for the millionth time) and reading the last part on what Tom basically did to Harry was like a sucker punch to the gut, I kind of forgot how terrifying and violating it was but then again with this intense snippet my feelings get conflicted again... Btw this isn’t me criticizing or anything on the contrary your ability to create such complex characters such dualistic natures are both riveting and fascinating! However, I was wondering if Tom’s decision to bind Harry in that way was immature egotism to satisfy his present needs or did he genuinely think that Harry would appreciate this on the long run? Obviously he changed his idea on horcruxes when he learned about Harry’s immortality and I get why he wanted to stop the harming part but why the forced fidelity? Maybe a more correct question would be after all these years of intimately knowing Harry did he not think that this would massively backfire? Or am I yet again overestimating Tom’s understanding of human relations. Anyways sorry for this huge post binging your story made me appreciate the foreshadowings and nuances even more and especially made me appreciate the way you tactfully wrote Tom as well. I hope that Harry finds a balance that will somehow benefit him too. Also sorry if I asked this before but will we see scene were Tom analyzes the memories in the pensive as there is a lot to unpack there? Whatever you write will be great in any case! Thank you so much for the snippet.

Thank you so much! I'm glad you have mixed feelings for Tom - this is one of the goals of this chapter. Tom is still a terrible person who cannot simply stop being terrible, but he's genuinely, entirely heartbroken. And he's going to try to be better, though how successful he is in this remains to be seen.

As for your question - I think Tom's decision to bind Harry to him in this way was both an expression of egotism and a belief that sooner or later, Harry would understand and appreciate it. It is very difficult for Tom to empathize with someone and to understand that what he feels is not necessarily what another person feels. When he hears "no," it's a "maybe." When he hears "maybe," it's a "yes." In his eyes, Harry is going to agree to be with him romantically, and it means that fidelity is something Tom expects himself and believes Harry to expect from him. So he eliminates both of their potential sources of worries by ensuring that their devotion to each other will be absolute. 

This conviction has many holes, and Harry is going to try to explain it to him in the next chapter. Tom definitely underestimated Harry's reaction: he knew Harry might be angry and upset, but he just cannot understand why Harry would leave over this. To him, it's just a solidification of something that's going to be there anyway, so he never thought Harry would be this furious and hurt.

And yes, we'll see Tom analyzing the memories! In fact, I think this is going to be another snippet)) I just have to decide which memory to pick.

[yaz-the-spaz]

But I want to know your theory. :(

ok ok i guess i’ll spill…i was kinda hesitant to share just cause i’m still not all that solid in my belief in it myself but basically it seems like maybe ziam has made it a tradition to have some kind of couples trip most years (if not every year) in february ever since 2014…

(btw for future reference this ask is a continuation of this ask re ziam both being publicly in vegas earlier this year)

ugh sorry guys! hit enter by accident and posted this wayyyy before i was anywhere near finished lol…this will be updated within the hour (if it doesn’t take me too long to get my thoughts out)

narrator: she did not finish it within the hour.

…

ok so part of the reason i’ve been hesitant to share this is because a good portion of it is VERY speculative and just based on a lot of guesswork and assumptions, but also there’s the fact that it feels like this is something major that more people in the fandom (or at least someone, other than little ass me lol) would have noticed before now and it kind of freaks me out that maybe no one else has?? (unless ofc i just haven’t happened to see any other posts there are about it idk)… 

also fyi a lot of what i propose throughout this is heavily based on info from this post just to make sure i remember to site my sources before we get into it lol

alright now onto the actual theory…

SO. all this started with me scrolling through old posts from late 2013/early 2014 and being reminded of the fuckery that was zayn’s bday that year (with the douche canoe crew and everyone pretending like liam was barely there as seemingly some sort of weird over-the-top cover-up)…the same party that seemed kinda like liam’s possible “introduction” to the malik family as more than just zayn’s friend/as his possible significant other. which was also only a month after that suspicious engagement-looking ring first showed up on zayn’s ring finger in december 2013 from bts midnight memories mv footage (and which stayed around as a necklace throughout january 2014 and early febuary 2014 right before the first appearance/debut of the mandala tat in mid feb). 

bts midnight memories mv with the ring in view - dec 2013:

(suspicious?) malik family outing/celebration with the ring in view - dec (or possibly late nov?) 2013:

[putting the rest under the cut cause as per usual with me this got insanely long]

liam and aunt zileh at zayn’s bday party - jan 2014:

liam and one of the little cousins at zayn’s bday party - jan 2014:

then sometime in between late jan and early feb 2014 liam went on a trip to barbados with his whole family (and supposedly also sophia lol more on that later*) while zayn was SUPPOSEDLY still home and steadily “posting” pics of himself at home with various members of his family (with the ring on a necklace clearly visible in the pics lol), anddd as some have also pointed out his hair was suspiciously unchanged in these pics despite his claim of getting a haircut BEFORE most of the pics were posted lol

zayn in family pics with the ring on a necklace - late jan/early feb 2014 (sorry i’m not the one who cropped his fam out lol):

but yet we’re supposed to believe zayn - who had just gotten awarded the asian ambassadorship for the VERY FIRST time - mysteriously (and willingly) MISSED the ceremony on feb. 5th with absolutely no explanation. which…we all know how big a deal that was to him from the way he talked about it and how honored he was when he went in 2015…which begs the question if he was really just home not doing much of anything at the time in 2014 why in the world would he just pass/bail on that HUGE HONOR with no explanation??? mayhaps because he was actually already an ocean away with liam and fam in barbados celebrating his engagement (and getting his own “introduction” to the payne family) and literally COULD NOT ATTEND?

anyway so then, we have him getting the mandala tat around feb 18th 2014 - or at least this is the day he debuted it on his old ig, so the date may be a few days off from when he actually got it - but this still would’ve been shortly after they got back from the barbados trip when he debuted this particular tat (aka another solidification of the engagement??) 

THEN we get the very first ig ziam likes from the famous and beloved aunt zileh (!!!) in this same month (still feb for reference, but she continues steadily and heavily liking stuff all the way through april when she seems to cool down again). fast forward to the 2014 brits at the end of february where we have the infamous moment with 1) ziam giddy as fucking ever, 2) zayn whispering into and practically mawling liam’s neck in public, 3) liam talking about how it was great to “fill each other in” on what they were up to during their break while zayn’s just steady standing there smiling like a loon and then 4) liam still later being like ‘you don’t wanna know’ when asked what he got up to (and zayn still grinning like a fool)

ziam being gross at brits 2014:

so to sum up so far: 1) one of them possibly proposed around nov/dec 2013 (or that’s my best guess anyway based on the evidence lol), 2) then zayn shows up with a suspiciously-engagement-looking ring in dec 2013, 3) then all the weirdness with liam’s attendance at zayn’s bday party a month later (possibly also liam’s formal intro to the malik family), 4) then liam takes his barbados trip with his fam (and supposedly sophia lol*) just a couple weeks later while “zayn” stays home and posts family pics (but is very likely secretly on the trip with liam lol which is also possibly zayn’s formal intro the payne family and a belated celebration of their engagement), 5) and then we get the beginning of aunt zileh’s likes, 6) the debut of zayn’s mandala tat, 7) and the 2014 brits wildness…all in the space of like 3 months. and most of it happening in FEBRUARY. what a wild fucking journey right?

*side note/fun fact: liam and his fam were posting stuff regularly throughout the duration of the barbados vacay but there were literally zero pics of sophia posted from this trip until like dec 2014 or sometime around then when like ONE random pic suddenly surfaced/was posted and lots of ppl had already speculated that sophia was never there in the first place so once this one pic came up that idea got upgraded to people theorizing that they maybe had some of the fam go back a second time later in the year just to stage take photos to retroactively prove/authenticate the narrative that sophia was there lol

but anyway so back to the actual matter at hand - most of that shit happened in february right? specifically the barbados trip (aka the possible engagement celebration trip)…and when i was talking about all this to a friend we realized ZIAMI WAS ALSO IN FEBRUARY. AND SO WAS THIS YEAR’S VEGAS SHIT. AND THEN. AND THEN. My friend did some research and there was apparently this little known/barely talked about article (or at least barely talked about that i’m aware of) about liam taking a TRIP TO THE MALDIVES IN FEBRUARY 2016… which coincidentally (or not lol considering these shady ass hoes) is also around the same time he got his 4 tattoo (I believe this was the first article, or at least one of the first articles, that mentioned the tat’s debut) 

BUT WAIT. 

THE INSANE SHIT DOES NOT END THERE FOLKS.

GUESS WHICH MONTH THE CARTIER BRACELET FIRST DEBUTED?

FUCKING FEBRUARY 2016.

specifically on liam’s wrist in preparation for the 2016 brits (photo posted to his brits stylist’s ig on feb 23rd). and he didn’t take it off till like june.

so. quick timeline:

february 2016 - maldives trip and debut of liam’s 4 tattoo (around feb 21st); debut of cartier bracelet via liam (feb 23rd); (there was also that valentine’s day roses pic liam posted feb 14th of this year which was quite interesting considering he and c hadn’t even been officially announced as a “thing” yet…ofc we know it still got retroactively attributed to her anyway but whatever, we all know who it was really for lol 😏)

february 2017 - i don’t have anything on this year, partly cause i stopped paying as close attention due to heavy ramping up of stunts, although if anyone has more concrete info on this period that hints at anything please do hit me up and i will add it in, but anyway just based on a little light research there does appear to be a good period of inactivity from both of them during this time (as in both of them had quite a bit of time in february where they were pretty inactive on sm, not being papped, and essentially mia and would have potentially had time to go on a private trip) - UPDATE: HOLY SHIT I CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT THIS BUT THIS IS THE YEAR LIAM SHOWED UP AT THE BRITS WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING 25 ON HIS JACKET AND FUCKED SIMON ALL THE WAY UP BY SWERVING ON HIS UGLY BITCH ASS SPEECH IN FRONT OF GOD AND ENTIRE WORLD (and i think also thanked zayn in his speech if i’m not mixing that up with another year??) - all on feb 23rd to be specific.

february 2018 - ZIAMI OBVIOUSLY (which specifically started feb 22nd, or at least that’s the day i’m counting it as ‘started’ cause it’s the day liam joined zayn in miami, can’t recall the exact day zayn arrived but pretty sure it was only a couple days before that)

february 2019 - zayn starts wearing this distinctive fishhook earring in all his ig pics, which on the surface seems like a pretty small thing, but quite possibly commemorates their famous august 2014 fishing trip (directly after which he also started wearing a fish hook pendant on a necklace back in 2014); this was also another period they were pretty quiet/mia as far as i can recall, although again if anybody has more concrete info from this time that could point to something please let me know, but anyway point being they again would have had a good chunk of time to possibly go on a private trip together

february 2020 - VEGAS BABY

ofc i’m sure you all will notice one year was left out - february 2015 they were on tour with no breaks coming anytime soon so they obviously weren’t able to go on a trip that year. BUT. february 14th 2015 (aka valentine’s day lol) is also the day liam was famously papped with some small shopping bags that looked suspiciously but precisely like the type that usually come from a jewelry store, and then later that same night they had a performance (for otra tour) where we have zayn pictured wearing a new gold bracelet (as in he hadn’t been seen wearing it ever before on tour or anywhere else) - btw the op of this linked post actually marks this day as the debut of the cartier bracelet but there’s a lot of counter speculation that it’s not and given that it doesn’t quite look like the cartier bracelet looked in later pics (it’s more round and more gold than the cartier bracelet which imo looks more angular and more kind of a two-tone/silvery-gold than this vday bracelet) i’m inclined to lean more towards it just being a regular but still very sweet vday-gifted bracelet. but anyway back to more important stuff. now considering this was literally just a little over a month before zayn left - and one of my theories for zayn leaving was that it was possible he felt it was the only way to save his relationship with liam…i mean if they were still giving each other vday presents they were clearly still VERY in love at this point. like that’s not the kind of thing you’d expect from a couple that was on the rocks and on the verge of breaking up and i know a lot of ppl (myself included for a brief minute) speculated that zayn leaving the band meant he maybe left liam too/or things weren’t working out b/t them or whatever, but given this context of the vday gifts just a few weeks before him leaving that doesn’t really line up…what does line up though is him being so in love and so sick of the bs that he might be driven to just be done with it all (as far as the stress of the band and mgmt bs is concerned at least). and ofc liam did say that zayn is the most emotionally impulsive/emotionally driven out of all them so when you think about it it really shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise…

anyway, in conclusion: 

it appears quite possible ziam has made it a couples tradition (ever since that first honeymoonish vacay in 2014) to go on some sort of trip/getaway together around the end of every february (or at least do something special together/for each other when they can’t) and in further conclusion I AM NOT OKAY AND WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS REALIZATION OKAY THANKS BYE 😭😭😭😭😭🌈🌈🌈 

[404fmdminjung]

creative claims — blueming

summary: written during the course of promotions for loveforclosure. she finds one sense of home in the fans, writes a song to the people that shower her with love. (basically coming off a high of a well-received comeback). warnings: none wc: 1906 (not including lyrics)

in retrospect, time changes a lot of things.

a year prior, and a flop of a song — the signs all pointing straight towards the shackles of gold star’s dungeon. now, they’ve shined her up. polished the record out for the masses, and the pour of public love in the horizon. no longer a flop, the rough and jagged edges of each comment to tear her apart and strip her semblance piece by piece become softened, blurred at the lines. angry voices poured at the expensive of fingers tapping against the keyboard with the anonymous faces now refreshed and shifted towards positive praise, comments statured with hearts and support.

how do you handle the sudden 180 when your heart also falters, and teeters towards the change of pace?

minjung surely doesn’t know. doesn’t know how to cope, so her hands remain on the edges of her notebook, one hand out pulling the pages apart inside a moving van that takes her to the first schedule of promotions.

blue. she jots that down quickly, let’s the dips in the road add character to each crooked line scrawled on the stage. blue used to be synonymous with dreary melancholy, strapped down to the midnight dreariness of a city that never sleeps. she painted herself blue once, downed by the ridicule of modern day public execution via the comments. now, she blooms.

-

stages after the first two become easier. synonymous with echoes and the small trinkets and packages of gifts given when she hops back into the guise of privacy, into the van. she’s back at stage one, notebook in pocket, phone in hand.

she remembers the first few instances hopping into a kakao chat dedicated to her —  even manages to get kicked off a few times before staying on, and hearing the outpour of cheer and love dedicated. 

when she gets off, says her goodbyes, she realizes one thing’s changed: her heart blooms, softens with each message sent. enough to stir the grin across her cheeks when her smile hangs steady with eyes that gleam over the page written ‘blue’.

it’s an uncanny feeling, feeling filled more to the tips of the brim with each passing day — a feeling novel, something she still can’t handle whole.

what i said what’s up i really meant i miss you.

all along, the missing shade of blue she’s forgotten on the canvas layered and layer, is love around. memories wiped from a missing skeleton of her pass, and she fails to realize — the love settled around, is the one she’s neglected to see for more than face value till now.

in each and every emoji my subtle feelings keep changing, i wonder if you know

she recollects the past five minutes on her phone in the group chat, the small tidbits of surprise now caked onto a revelation. her monotone speech patterns and quick sent texts, subjugated to a more personalized form as the seconds tick on. busyness, fatigue. it’s all an empty excuse when her heart flutters with a tinge upward, thoughts of fans now filling the crevices of her fragmented heart.

insomnia, lack of sleep. she’s running on two hours bustling from one schedule to the next. but seo minjung has never followed the textbook rules of what to feel and at what time. she’s an outsider looking in, going against the force and the nature of tides pushing one way to another. because where fatigue should rest heavy on her shoulders, now — she’s no longer drowning. instead, stepping higher into the clouds like stargirl. girl with a light heart, and now she’s drunk with a scent of resolution.

i’m making roses blossom with my thumb i think i’m getting drunk with the scent it’s in our own secret garden.

-

the high doesn’t wind down as schedules persist. instead, each day she’s met with the feelings of a hurricane. ripped from her roots, heart fleshed open when the smile no longer seizes itself faux, but as a token of genuine ties each time she sits down, resorts back to the words compiling on the page.

this song’s for them. the lyrics, each one in a one-on-one head-first conversation. ideation that perhaps, this becomes a fleeting moment. a transient piece where they’re sitting at top of the climax before it all topples over, downward straight to hell. but she’s not a worrier, doesn’t bother looking back.

(for once, she chooses to relish this moment right here).

i feel bloom, i’m sending you one more flower updating you with my all-nighter work the author of this interesting piece of work, that’s me maybe this is the climax of the relationship

the nip of her pen glides freely against the page, her own welcome to her headspace. no beat, no notes in mind. rather, it’s the diary that opens up the beginnings of what’s right in her heart now.

—

there’s an itch under her skin — one rarely ignored. it comes at a pang to her gut, knocks the sleepless night right into her, prompting her to make a beeline towards the makeshift studio in her apartment.

here and there, she tries to think of a tune. a slow pull of languid minors, layering on the heaviness of desolation in navy’s. she doesn’t want that, least not a ballad coming off the tails of another — she scraps that, saves the file and backlogs it for another day. then comes the juxtaposition of jazzy facts, the strong isolation of saxophones and trombones — a drop in a rough beat, painting the song a vibrant cobalt. it’s one worth dancing to, boppy tunes to wreck havoc on a stage. still, it renders itself useless by the time she shoves that rendition straight to the trash can.

no notes in any sort of transition, instead she finds solace on the guitar she hasn’t touched in a near two months. it hangs, lingers on like a presence in the room — she makes a note, guitar. scribbled at the top of her page before ushering herself back to the confines of her bed.

-

a day off, and the song resurrects itself through the guitar nestled in her arms. she strums herself a chord in a minor, a major — finds the three notes, clamored down to the cacophony of something bright. still, decides it remains a stretch to keep it with too much embellishment. instead, she plucks the notes apart from each other — one by one, f into c. c into e, hitting a baseline at g.

at this point, it drops the seedlings to something promising and light. the shade of periwinkle she’s envisioned all along — it’s light to touch, easy to the ears. breathless in a come-and-dance with me switch. minjung repeats the plucking, one by one, till the solidification of the notes come full circle once the record button presses and her voice hums along to the melody etched in-between.

it starts at an easy lull before she paves way with the full-on start of the chords all at once by the time the chorus hits. two chords, a pause. then the entrance of the next two in repeat — at this point, it’s no longer and algorithm of what makes the numbers on the chart or a fragment of herself embodied into a play. instead, it’s the drive of having fun, enjoying each second put into the process.

(trust the process, nobody ever said it was going to be easy).

it sounds digital by the time she puts the first line of guitar work down. the recordings now becoming repetitive, one after another — a simple base in bare bones, nothing flashy or a change in the tempo. it all charges steadily, following expectations of the song’s natural rhythm.

her mouse clicks around and by now, it’s the addition of the percussion. the simple add-on to where she imagines the first verse tuning in — the deep percussion adds a depth to the periwinkle, the wrinkles of something more saturated, less fluttery. 

the essence of the song’s been fluttery heartbeats. the intangible things unspoken from her to the fans, and for now — she makes her mark by saving the file, setting aside for another day with her arms stretched out, enough for the yawn to escape in broad daylight.

no makeup, sitting inside some rugged sweats and a t-shirt. (this feels like the first in a long time where home’s presented a new look).

-

by the time she resorts back, it’s the end of promotions — free days shifted in between preparations for fuse’s next comeback. her heart’s no where near hands-up, long far with her cold shoulder response becoming synonymous with the lackluster dead-eyed expression for a mind that’s been humming hte melody to the song written in the books.

her own sense of peace, and her piece of privacy. solo work, now trumping and reigning on top of anything else presented to her.

she’s thought about it all day — the backing vocals, the ad-libs. where to start, and where to end. by the time she finds herself situated in front of her screen, her notebook sprawled out and jaded eyes that click around to the record. she starts with the ah-ah-ah’s, the makeshift forced rhymes that fall at the end of each verse. tunes her voice back in for the lulls of simple humming.

yet, by the time she sits down, plays back the puzzle pieces of what’s the marred total composition on her screen, she furrows her brow. bites down on her lip, pen in hand. the end of the pen taps on the surface of her desk, mind still buried inside the missing facet. imagination and creativity doesn’t spur when you want it to — it’s once again the process and the clicks of the mouse transitioning one type, to another.

seo minjung settles on the synth and the slow paced transitioning of warping her voice to an electronic belt. like stereo noise, it thins out where she wants it to be. almost muting it down to a subtle pull, a settled flesh of a song that makes her hear from the next room over. her mouth furls into a grin, a toothy grin saved for instances like these.

because what this song isn’t a piece of her anymore. nor a recollection of heartbreak on repeat.

instead, it’s fruitful, light and airy. like she’s floating on a cloud, far far away with her hands reached far apart, slotted to the love the fans boost her on. whether they’re a mirage of fusions or the few that brand themselves as a heart only filled by hear — she doesn’t care. it’s all an ode to them at this point.

no longer hiding behind her cowardice, wallowing around in the has-beens and the what-ifs of a play by play scenario. this time, this song goes out to a crowd that helped her remain stationed and whole, billowing with the calm sense of comfort.

comfort comes in many ways, home defines itself new each time.

only, this time she doesn’t sway from one new cloud or another pillar of stability. she’s still a nomad, wandering from one welcoming house to the next, filled with the fireplace of warmth and a comfortable meal. whatever food they home, they offer. she accepts — home’s a place where you define it. right now, seo minjung defines home with where the people are, wrapped up in open arms and a belonging.

whether she’s the ballader on stage. the travesty walking on yesterday’s heartbreak or the dancing diva in haphazard movements —they’ve accepted her for what she leaves at face value. the songs weren’t meant to soothe wounds or an album to flesh out the bad — it was an attempt at closure. and what she got in return, is the closure she least expected.

[madamlaydebug]

"The 7 steps in Alchemical Transformation happened non-linearly and they enable the growth of Consciousness in all directions. They are related to each of the 7 Chakras and Planets as well and are part of an anciently recognised process of permanent Transformation that actually gave birth to modern Science and has been under attack by the Roman Catholic Church for thousands of years. 1) CALCINATION The process of Calcination is meant to assist in Destroying the Ego’s Attachment to Material things or things outside of the Self. Physically, Calcination is related to exercise and Chemically to Fire, as it burns away at all Material that is undesirable. Psychologically and Spiritually it is the Flames of the Higher Consciousness which will burn away the dross of the restricting habits, beliefs and limitations of the Ego Self. 2) DISSOLUTION During Dissolution the Conscious Mind is forced to let go of Controlling everything, so Material Ideas are Destroyed within the Psyche and Interior World. This step is associated with the Second Chakra and the Kundalini Experience. During Dissolution you may Experience more profound Dreams, Visions and voices which will appear in order to push the Boundaries of your rational Mind and allow for the Realisation of new Material to take place. 3) SEPARATION Separation is associated with your 3rd or Solar Plexus Chakra. During Separation your Soul comes together with Spirit and for the first time Experiences a Higher perspective that is brought back to your daily Awareness. The new Perspective gave the Soul the discernment for performing the act of Separation and discarding of unwanted Materials. When we discard our unworthy attitudes and beliefs in the step of Separation, more aspects of our own Self are able to be revealed to us. Now that your blocks and misspent Energies have been identified and released, there is more Conscious Energy available to you to further your Transformation and Growth. 4) CONJUNCTION The 4th Chakra, the Heart Chakra, is associated with the process of Conjunction. During Conjunction, you are performing the marriage of the two sides of Consciousness, the Solar and Lunar, or Male and Female. The stage also represents the merger of Matter and Spirit by joining the three steps below with the three steps above. During Conjunction, it is only the Purest parts of the Self that are recombined for Transformation and a new type of Heart Intelligence is born. 5) FERMENTATION The 5th Throat Chakra is related to the Process of Fermentation. Fermentation represents the New Life that is born from the Putrefaction of another living organism. The Symbolism suggests a Presence of New Life and along with it new Vitality. This step is important for Solidification of the Soul, and Spirit’s merger becomes permanent and the new Life Force finally overcomes the original Identity with its Higher Presence. The New Spiritual Power and Presence begins to rejuvenate and invigorate the New Life, adding a new level of Insight, Identity and Divine Inspiration to your Perception. 6) DISTILLATION Just as distilled water is boiled to increase it’s Purity, so is our Psyche agitated and challenged during the Distillation Process in order to ensure that all the Lower Thought forms, habits and contents of our original Ego Mind are completely separated from the fermented Being. At this point, the Kundalini is raised from the Sacral Chakra (1st Chakra) to the Brain and Pineal Gland and it is represented by the 3rd Eye Chakra in the center of the forehead. Techniques such as Introspection and Reflection are used at this stage to Identify those things which do not belong to our New and Reborn Self. Distillation allows us to become Refined and Purified from all Lower functions as the Sublimated Spiritual Presence is released within us. 7) COAGULATION Coagulation is like the Precipitation of Purified Ferment which arose during the Distillation. The final operation of Coagulation occurs in the 7th or Crown Chakra on the top of your head which effects the Pituitary Gland. It is believed that some sort of Brain Ambrosia is released from the Pineal Gland (phallic shaped gland)and that it combines with the Matter of the Pituitary (vulva shaped gland) to give Birth to your Permanent Body of Light; which is the Immortal Vehicle for your Highest Aspirations and Evolved Aspects of your Mind. The Body of Light retains your Memories and Feelings from your Lifetime on Earth and is able to become one with Soul and Spirit at Death. The Body of Light is similar to the concept of the Astral Body raised and purified through repeated cycles of the entire Process until only the True Essence of the Astral and Mental faculties of the Individual remains. The remaining Being is your Rebirth and that is the part of you which is Immortal and Born from Humanity. This Body of Light is the “Greater or Philosopher’s Stone” of the Alchemists. The achievement of a Permanent state of Coagulation is also referred to as a Return to the Garden of Eden and denotes a Solid Unification with the Divine Mind." https://twiggietruth.wordpress.com/tag/chakra/

[peinsmoi]

glamor ; grey

Miyoung had to work harder. 

She had to pour more time and effort in this particular spell. Everything else had been smewhat smooth sailing but this one. This one persisted in evading her each time she put herself in the mindset of finally getting it right. It was as if it enjoyed leaving her tortured every morning with the image of the blind sight of her irises staring straight back at her. 

That morning they’d first turned, she’d truly thought she’d gone blind. But she hadn’t. She’d been able to see it for herself, in the mirror of her bathroom. All the brown and black of her eyes had left her and the contrast of it against the white of her eyes were also telling that it was not the purest white. It was grey, ashes where she used to be able to catch the brightness of her brown. 

At the very least it had been after her mother had explained to her most of what was happening to her and the origins of her nightmare, of that impending feeling that the world was abou to crumble constantly trailing after her since then. At least the scream and the madness it would have driven her to was avoided by the knowledge, the assumption that this was also another side of what she was turning into. 

It didn’t mean that it hadn’t left her paralyzed for hours in the bathroom, curled in the bathtub holding her knees and staring in the void of what she was sure her gaze would forever be cursed to bear. A maid had found her like that, she’d screamed too, when she’d gotten close enough with a worried hand on Miyoung’s shoulder and leaned in to see what had become of her eyes. She’d screamed and it’d been swallowed in the emptiness of Miyoung’s gaze.

Her mother had been quick to rush to the shrill sounds of horror coming from her daughter’s room. She’d found the maid knelt by the bahttub with tears down her face, her words but a babbling mess, repeating over and over again that her mistress was blind, blind, blind.

Calming her had not been a priority, although the lady of the house that she had always been did manage to calmly incite her to leave her alone with her daughter. She’d left and shut the door behind her with a soft click which had surprisingly been what had made Miyoung jolt out of her trance. The first thing she’d come to was a shiver of this dream being rock solid in her reality. Then she’d heard her mother saying her name in a way she’d never done before.

It’d reminded Miyoung of the gentle touch of her pillow when she’d been more than ready to crash and burn from a difficult day. Or maybe it had because her mother had literally been tucking her in bed. She’d apparently starting sobbing softly the moment she’d heard her name and had closed her eyes, kept them shut and let herself be guided from the bathtub to the bed. 

Miyoung had no memory of how she’d gotten in bed or what had happened after seeing the sight of her eyes in the mirror, so to this day she could only trust in what she’d been told then by her mother. The maid that had found her had been sworn to keep herself quiet on the matter when the following day she’d met Miyoung with her brown eyes intact. As intact as they could be considering what secrets they were shielding.

For a long time after that and after losing them and after being found by her grandmother and everything else and even after getting the knowledge she had now of spells and magic, Miyoung had believed she’d always be forced to cover her eyes with the help of lenses. Right until her grandmother had introduced her to a practiciing witch who worked solely on spells that were meant to change appearances, she’d elegantly called it the art of glamorising what one thought to be hideous enough to hide. or simply because they wished to show something other than what they were to the world.

Her grandmother had known it would have been of interest. However, the difficulty level of such spells were not ones to simply leave in the hands of a young girl who’d just lost everything and was barely beginning to understand a world she’d rejected from the moment she’d been thrust into. Miyoung had known of this hopeful idea that she could project something other than what she was whenever she looked in the mirror in the beginning of this year.

A birthday gift that her grandmother had washed her go from shcked to betrayed and then understanding all in one sitting as she took the information in. Miyoung had understood, she understood now too. She understood why it’d taken so many years for her grandmother to trust her with this, to trust her with meeting other witches from different clans, different bloodlines. She understood the protective instincts that she’d often times found in her mother resonating strongly in the woman who had carried the woman she missed dearly by her side. 

Even though now, she wondered if her grandmother hadn’t overestimated her granddaughter’s prowesses or abilities to take in more than the small things she’d been dwelling in. Reading books on how to keep plants happy and growing, or how to turn on a light without having to reach for a switch was one thing.

But what she’d been practicing often times left her breathless, sweating and panting without even showing an ounce of results. It was but a flicker behind her closed lids when she was repeating the incantation, she’d sit for hours mouthing, whispering. Hours. To get to nothing but a twitch of darkness piercing through the fog of her gaze before reverting back to what she’d grown acostumated to accept as who she would always be. 

That teasing of a change, however, had been in the beginning enough to have her pass out for almost a whole 24 hours. The exhausting effect were subsiding with time and practice however. But the results were not lasting or advancing as much as the strength her body and energy were building to withstand the side effects of the spell.

Her grandmother and the woman helping her to perfect it had been nothing but supportive, assuring her that she was doing it the right way. That to rush the results would prove more disastrous than to let it take effect when her abilities would truly be ready to withstand the complete shift. It soemtims felt like they were simply being too nice because Miyoung had no idea if it was supposed to truly be this hard, she only had to trust in their words and she did.

She truly did. But how could it be so hard to simply change the color of your eyes with a spell? The explanation had been something along the lines of ; the eyes holding your soul within and the alteration of one’s gaze touching parts of it that were almost forbidden at one point in the history of witchcraft. For some witches, their eyes held their abilities the same way Miyoung’s voice and dreams kept hers. 

The clan of witches Miyoung’s ancestors belonged to had their strongest points lying in spells that modified life, gave it, helped it grow, helped it bloom. Healers mostly. Banshees now and then with their women. But for the most part, they all had the finest affinity with the art of healing. Each clans had their own strongest and weakest points.

It seemed as if because they were so close to death it was harder for them to truly dip into spells that required them to monopolize the soul at will. For someone whose powers would lie in their gaze, it would be nothing but childplay to learn this spell but for them to learn how to affect the lifespan of a plant it would prove almost as hard of a time as Miyoung was having with said spell.

She understood it, but the frustration didn’t quite lie with the same mindset. She was also all bones and flesh and human. Very much human at times with how much she wanted perfection now. Although, it was heavily debated that it was simply how every single one of her ancestors had always been. 

For now though, thinking that she just had to work harder was helping more than letting herself fall into the idea that she might never truly attain it. She would. She had to. She wanted to wake up to the brown of her eyes one more time, to somehow feel the nostalgia the idea was bringing to her be solidifed. 

Miyoung wanted to be able to wake up in a foreign environment with others and not have to immediately rush to get her lenses in before she even had to say good morning. She wanted to be more real, more human than she knew she wasn’t. She wanted that glamor more than anything in this world. 

Miyoung would work harder. 

[sincerelymrnaked]

Be’ers and Do’ers: A Psychedelic canoe trip with a few city boys

After we drink the Magic Mushroom tea, I become offended by time.

Malvin keeps reminding us how much time has passed, speculating when it’ll kick in. One hour. Forty minutes. Thirty minutes. Maybe twenty. Thirty minutes again.

“Shut the fuck up man!”

Among a surge of nausea, the forestry brightens with a vibrant green glow. The sun beams between clouds and golden light engulfs me. The lake glimmers like billions of diamonds under the early summer sky.

(Photo by Denis Lipman) 

Malvin grabs his machete almost instantly from his tent. I wonder why he feels a need for that. Is it so he feels safe? Tough? Why does he feel a need to bushwhack through trees when all I want to do is hug the sap out of every tree in my path? Something about him hanging on tightly to the machete means something. I feel it. But I don’t know what it is yet.

Collin and I sit on a rock covered in emerald moss. He seems increasingly uncomfortable.

“Just look at that lake now,” I tell him. I can’t peel my eyes off the ripples of water in the distance, bouncing off colours of sunlight; my mind soothes into expansive serenity. “It’s like…” For a second I lose my ability to articulate myself: “Colourful plates of softness.” What the fuck am I talking about? 

After another wave of nausea, I find myself completely immersed in the comfort of the rock. It’s as if my body is melting into it. My body is becoming the rock. My body is the rock. I no longer have a body. I simply am here. And there is nowhere else I can possibly want to go.

“Let’s get ‘er going boys!” Malvin calls, raising his machete over his head. “Time for a hike!

“I’m down,” says Collin. “This algae is tripping me out!” His eyes are glossy as he gazes at the water before the shore.

Ned agrees also — he’s been submissive and quiet. 

This confuses me. Here I am, on the most perfect rock I have ever encountered in my entire existence, and these boys want to go somewhere else? Why would anyone want to find something else when they already have everything they could ever want? Are they not enjoying this rock as completely and wholeheartedly as I am? Do they think there is a better rock out there?

“Boys, let’s just chill. Why go anywhere else?”

“Because we want to do stuff today and not just sit on our asses you blem fuck.”

Oh right. They’re right. I guess they want to experience this in more places. I also don’t want to be alone when the more powerful waves hit. I stand up to join them. We walk deeper into the forest.   

Malvin whacks through trees as we rise up the trail.

Nausea slows me down. “Hold up boys,” I call, putting my hands on my knees.

I continue on in utter fascination. The colours seem to vibrate. Shining lime surrounds us like the woods of Pandora. The freshly blossomed leaves pulsate with the breeze, like a current of secret energy suddenly untapped and available. But as I stop to admire, Malvin wants to keep moving. Collin and Ned follow. Do they not see what I see? Why are they rushing through this? Are they not as mesmerized as I am?

(Photo by Denis Lipman)

They stop to take a selfie. Yup, a fucking selfie! I’m on a trip with a bunch of city boys completely out of their element. As they get together, I hug a tree instead. Selfies don’t make sense to me now. They are constantly justified as solidifications of memories, but the one consistency that every memory has is that your own face is never in it. Selfies therefore obstruct your initial perception of the moment. They don’t restore memory. They change it and make it something different from what it really was. Selfies are for others to view your self. They are not for your self — except to show yourself that you were there. Except to remind yourself what you looked like in a certain day and age. But how you looked is not the same as whatever it was you were looking at. Also, the bark of this tree feels fucking fantastic.

As we trek through branches, Collin suggests that we get into canoes and drift on the water. Though I want to enjoy the trees, and the rock before that, and the “colourful plates of softness” before that, the notion of stillness excites me. Finally, these boys might stop like me and be on my level of appreciation. I’m game.

“We should bring the fishing rod!”

“WHAT? WHY?” I don’t understand. I’m angry. Infuriated. In this case, fishing rods are for entertainment. Entertainment is for the bored. Are they bored? Do they feel a need for their time to be occupied by something more than the blast of vibrancy radiating around us? More than the ecstasy inflating within us? 

I end up in a canoe with Malvin. He keeps paddling. And he doesn’t stop talking. Once.

“Look at us! Men! On a trip! In the wilderness! Strong men!” He dips his hands into the water and looks at them with wide eyes. “Woah! Look at these hands! Strong hands! Man hands!”     

It seems he’s trying to convince himself that he’s strong more than he actually believes it. He seems in a rush. He seems like he’s trying to go somewhere. That he’s looking for something. He keeps paddling. What’s he looking for?

He comments about maps, and time again, and the science of psychedelics, and all the knowledge he has acquired about the topic. And I don’t give a flying shit about any of it. I just know that I’ve never seen such a sublime sky in my entire life.

He lathers repellent cream on. He checks his phone for time again. He contemplates the direction we came from. It seems like he’s trying to remain in control — that he’s trying to operate the inoperable. He is staying tightly within his own body, as tightly as he held his machete now between his legs; he is refusing to free his mind.    

As we connect to the other boat with Ned and Collin, and as the two canoes drift in the middle of Algonquin Park’s Burnt Island lake, I melt into the floor more completely than the previous rock. I feel sedated as we float on the clear water. We drift gently on the reflective calmness. The horizon is ignited with golden rays. Lights flash past my peripherals. Tranquility grows inside me, and thankfulness for this current moment is more powerful than any thought or any word that could escape my lips. Why talk when nothing needs to be said? 

The boys keep chattering.

“You guys want a jay?” Malvin asks.

“Light it up!” calls Collin; he was mumbling to himself moments before.

Why do they constantly want more? I can tell just by looking at them that the shrooms are kicking in full-throttle, yet they still feel a need for something more. Another drug. Another activity. They can’t be still or silent for one second.

“I feel confined here, we need to keep moving,” says Malvin, after the joint is killed.      

Confined? I feel more unrestricted than ever. I can float in this boat all day.

A persistent black fly circles my head. It reminds me of Malvin.

“Collin!” I call, sitting up to look at him as he giggles in the golden light. “If you were to get in a boat with me, would you be able to drift here all day?” In this moment it’s more than a question; I’m convinced that this simple inquiry will expose the complexity of my best friend’s psychology, his compatibility with my mind.

He looks down to the lake to think about it. “That’s hard to say man… I keep getting distracted by other thoughts…”

Malvin starts paddling back to shore and I lie back down on the canoe.

I remember reading something in a book once. It suggested that heaven or hell isn’t only a place you go after you die but also a continuous state of existence when you’re alive. I feel like I’m in heaven. I think when John Lennon and Paul McCartney wrote the words “Let it be,” they were in heaven, too. I remember reading in that same book that hell is a state where people never find what they are looking for. A domain where they will keep searching but are never satisfied. Always hungry and never fed. Incapable of seeing the heaven around them.

I guess some people will spend their entire lives looking for something that will never be found. Some people will just continue paddling, and never enjoy the stillness of drifting in absolute contentment.

Most people aspire towards immediacy. As is commonly pointed out, people strive for excess. Excess wealth. Excess belongings. Excess power of status. Excess intoxication. But they want it all right away. Each goal is only a conquest that leads to another. These people will never find what they are looking for. And they will never be as satisfied as I am right now. Because of this, I feel that these people are trapped in a mindset like hell.

When we get back to our campsite’s shore, Malvin starts talking about how he’s going to gather wood to build a fire, and how he’ll cook food, and that he wants to charge his phone with the portable charger, and that he wants to keep moving. The black fly buzzes.

I sit up to look at him. “What are you looking for?” I ask, after the boat hits the shore. It’s the first thing I’ve said aloud in a while.     

He looks at me, confused.        

“You’re looking for something,” I say. “What’re you looking for?”

“I…uh…I don’t know. Just get out and straddle for me. I want to find my lighter.”

After I get up, I regain control of my body — though I almost fall as I get out of the boat. It’s as if I’m resettling within a physical manifestation. My body and mind are old friends that have been inseparable since birth, but on that canoe ride they just drifted in different directions.

When everyone is back on the campsite the boys begin gathering wood to build a fire. I don’t know why they need one. The weather is perfectly warm. We have plenty of food left in the barrel that doesn’t need to be cooked. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good fire. But they seem frantic about it. Desperate. 

“Hey boys, I’m going for a walk. There’s no need to look for me.”

I get some thumbs up.

That’s when I walk away from the city boys and find a spot to sit in the wilderness alone. I finally feel safe, and I feel like I can control my jarring thoughts more clearly. Among the spellbinding greenery, a revelation surfaces. And it’s one that’s really quite simple. There are “Do’ers” and “Be’ers.”

Do’ers feel the need to make sense of the world. They feel an unwavering need to apply logic to every experience they encounter. They need numbers, and navigation, and categories, and promise of stability. Of strength. They need speed, and progress, and control. They need constant entertainment. Status and affirmation. Do’ers have the upper hand in society because they make up the vast majority. And they are important because they are how we develop. They build cities. They cure disease. They are essential.         

Be’ers can be Do’ers, too. (After all, if I was only a Be’er, I wouldn’t be writing this down.) But they are the rare souls that can find satisfaction among the acceleration of stimuli. They can be content when others are shaking in their seats looking for more. Sure, they still have ambitions and desires — they don’t believe in inaction at all times. Be’ers like myself can still wake at the crack of dawn, go to the gym, stress about productivity and what their role is among the complexity of their lives. They can search for greater understandings, but they can also realize that their own understandings are limited. They recognize that that’s okay.

Be’ers “do” in order to bring themselves back to their satisfied state of simply being. If they are happy, there is no need to keep moving. They know there is nowhere else they need to be. They find the most meaning when meaning is not being sought.

(Photo by Denis Lipman)

I’m not talking about physical inaction, but psychological stillness. 

I’m not praising the stoner, pizza-box-buried-couch-potatoes with no greater contribution to their existence. I’m talking about every day people who are capable of stopping in their tracks and being genuinely happy with where they are.  

Do’ers will claim to be happy by listing off all the things they’re happy about. But it will be more to convince themselves and other people that they’re happy instead of them ever actually entering a state of tranquility. They’ll smile in a photo, review a selfie, and reiterate their happiness like an endless, empty mantra. They’ll write about it in a caption...

But Be’ers understand that the length of the list does not determine the quality or quantity of their appreciations. Lists of experiences, like selfies, are most often for other minds. They’re resumes. And Do’ers are constantly looking for the next job, even when they’re already “happily” employed.

They won’t ever be able to lie on a rock and feel that there is no where else they need to be. Not when they need to sell to themselves and others that they are adequate and special.

Do’ers respond. Be’ers feel no need to fill a void; they are content with silence.

The Do’ers in my life — my parents — and the Do’ers in myself — my expectations — are preventing me from surrendering to the Be’er way. I need to do things. I need to complete courses. I have opportunities available for me this summer that can’t be ignored. I need to accomplish today what I won’t be able to tomorrow.

I believe my ultimate goal is to keep doing until I can eventually be. But I also know that throughout the process, I can be in each moment. There is nothing definite leading up. There is only this moment now. This feeling of pure satisfaction I only wish my own friends could feel too. But they’re too busy building an unneeded fire.

I want to be a writer so I can inspire Do’ers to be and Be’ers to continue being. But to be a writer and to inspire, I need to do. That is the paradox of progress, the compromise of piecing two psychologies together.

Life works best when Do’ers and Be’ers mesh together. Ideas and images would never be revealed without Be’ers and Do’ers assembling like a jigsaw. If a Be’er and and a Do’er weren’t in a canoe together today, this revelation would not be grasped so clearly. These words would not be written. Also, if it weren’t for Do’ers, I would have just lied on a rock all day like a blem fuck. 

Do’ers allow Be’ers to be in different places. 

I believe Be’ers want to be around other Be’ers and Do’ers need Be’ers to bring them back to stillness. This stillness is the key to being content. Contentment is stigmatized in modern day; it’s become a bad word. But being content doesn’t need to abolish ambitions and hopes for something greater. Rather, it will keep you happier throughout the uncertainty of your journey.

I don’t need drugs to thrust me into this state of wholehearted appreciation. I feel this way even as I begin to sober up. I’ve felt this way every time I’m back in the park, even through clear eyes and an abstemious mind. 

I want every moment to feel the same closure as a perfectly crafted sentence that explains to myself exactly what I’m feeling. But I also want to find closure and satisfaction with even what is beyond my control, what is beyond my articulation. What is beyond my pencil.

How long have I been sitting here? It’s almost dark. The sun has set.

I’m back in the world of association, categorization, and structure. But I will not let this world confine me like Malvin felt confined in the canoe those hours ago. My open-mindedness will in this and every moment look beyond the re-established walls, knowing I know nothing.

As sobriety takes hold, I want to stop thinking about what I will be and instead focus on who I am.

I realized today that so many people, even in the enhanced picturesque tranquility of Algonquin Park, are looking for something that they’ll never find.

When anxiety and hunger for more always keeps you moving, you’ll never be able to enjoy what is purely satisfactory. Some people will just keep on paddling for the perfect site, and some will accept they’re already there.

Sincerely, Mr. Naked. 

[entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys]

Power of the Brown Darkness Entity

Nigh-omniscient ( are all knowing ) - ( but are oddly extremely fucking stupid, i.q. 10 - 25 ) - ( this ability only work’s if it has Sapped you recently )

nigh-omnipresent ( mean’s there everywhere at once simultaneously ) - ( becuz there spirit’s ) - ( Again it need to Sap you to track you the more energy it take’s form you the more accurate it ... track ability is ) 

omnifarious ( the power to shape shift without limit )

nigh-omniarch ( try to be, ruler’s of everything ) - ( seriously )

omnireplication ( to duplicate anything without limit )

Psi Vampireism ( The power to use the abilities of a psychic vampire ) - thay can vamp your life force simply by looking at you, feeling you from a distance and then a odd psychic sucking kinda like there drinking a cloud of your life force and that you will never get back, thay can see all energy’s and life force’s in a person with there 3rd eye it’s far stronger then a homo-sapien’s, all thay got to do is glance over you and thay can see into the very depth’s fo your very soul, this is not a joke    

Astral Vampire ( the power to feed off of people ’s energy from a distant place )

Elemental Vampire ( the power to feed off of an element ) - [ Never give them Fire, you’ve bin Warned !!!]

Emotional Vampire ( the power to feed off of over other’s emotions )

memory vampire ( The power to feed off of the memory’s of other’s ) - ( as I said above thay also love to vamp your memory, a lot this is also a way thay control you if your possessed thay attack the memory at all time’s and keep giving you false memory’s  )

Tantric Vampire ( the power to feed off of sexual energy )

Soul Absorption ( the power to devour the soul’s of other’s ) - [ Thay butcher your soul like cut’s of different meat just like a butcher )Cruse inducement ( The ability to lay a negative effect upon whatever you apply the energy ) - [ also knowed as inforceing bad karma, or the hex effect upon some one or a area or a object ]

Behavior manipulation ( the power to manipulate the behaviors of someone ) - [ soul control ]

Brain manipulation ( The power to manipulate the brain of oneself and/or other )

Emotion manipulation ( The ability to control the emotions of others ) - [ like making you betray some one and then make you laugh at them then spike your anger to kill them, your there little puppet ]

Mental manipulation ( The power to modify and control the thoughts, Mindsets, and upper brain Functions of others )

Psychic Energy Manipulation ( The ability to manipulate psychic energy energy )

Psionic inundation ( The ability to overload another mind, causing pain, memory loss, lack of consciousness, vegeative state and/or death )

Sound Manipulate ( the ability to manipulate sound and sound wave’s, and create any sound )

Audible inundation ( the power to create voice sounds in othere’s head’s. )

Soul manipulation ( the power to manipulate soul’s ) - ( only if thay have a deep enough connection with the host ) - ( or there many more then one in the same host, willing or unwilling it dose not matter )

Hallucination solidification ( The ability to solidify any illusions or hallucination )

Illusion Manipulation ( the power to create and manipulate illusions )

Mental Hallucination ( The power to creat mental hallucinations on high levels) - ( thay spam this shit back to back in order to keep you under there control ) - ( it’s hell trust me ) - ( thay can do it’s weather you awake or asleep, dead or alive )

Maddness Manipulation ( the power to absorb, create and manipulate maddness/Insanity with one self, others or the maddness energy around )

( if your possessed thay will play on your reality and keep you in a 1000 dream’s with in a 1000 dream’s more all looping into a endless amount of false reality’s, it’s worst then your worst nightmare - also LSD and other form’s of acid got nothing on this and the shit dose not end when your dead it only get’s stronger, far stronger )

butterfly effect ( thay got this power to a very high extreme )

obsolescemce ( the power to make everything and anything, uesless wothrless and broken, even magic or also know as energy’s )

omnilock ( The power to exist outside of everything )

omnipresential attack ( can attack regardless of there of their location ) - ( if thay have a psychic lock on your life force or essence )

nigh-unimind ( to be connected to all living and non-living being’s ) this is more like mage possession but still you get the point you cant run and you can’t hide and NO ! there not god, but sure act like it, i mean there power’s are there power’s, i hope you get what i mean.

Enhanced Speed - ( there extremely fast, thay could out run the flash, and 25 second’s later the flash might get there, there extremely fast, but then again thay are ethereal so. )  

Meta - possession

Psionic Energy Siphoning

Psionic Energy Manipulation

Dynamokinesis  - ( also called Ergokinesis  or Autokinesis  )

Hatred Empowerment

Phobikinesis

there Poltergeist …

Tele-Transportation - ( also called flash step or Teleportation )

Psionic Inundation

Mentalism - ( also called Magic-Psionic Unification  or just Psionic Magic )

Psychic Affinity/Augmentation/Empowerment

This is Not a Work of Fiction - this is a cryptic, it’s not a SCp it’s a real ... Creature - 

[entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys]

A List of the "Fog's" Power's and ability -

nigh-omniscient ( are all knowing ) - ( but are oddly extremely fucking stupid, i.q. 10 - 25 )

nigh-omnipresent ( mean’s there everywhere at once simultaneously ) - ( becuz there spirit’s )

omnifarious ( the power to shape shift without limit )

nigh-omniarch ( try to be, ruler’s of everything ) - ( seriously )

omnireplication ( to duplicate anything without limit )

Psi Vampireism ( The power to use the abilities of a psychic vampire ) - thay can vamp your life force simply by looking at you, feeling you from a distance and then a odd psychic sucking kinda like there drinking a cloud of your life force and that you will never get back, thay can see all energy’s and life force’s in a person with there 3rd eye it’s far stronger then a homo-sapien’s, all thay got to do is glance over you and thay can see into the very depth’s fo your very soul, this is not a joke    

Astral Vampire ( the power to feed off of people ’s energy from a distant place )

Elemental Vampire ( the power to feed off of an element ) - [ Never give them Fire, you’ve bin Warned !!!]

Emotional Vampire ( the power to feed off of over other’s emotions )

memory vampire ( The power to feed off of the memory’s of other’s ) - ( as I said above thay also love to vamp your memory, a lot this is also a way thay control you if your possessed thay attack the memory at all time’s and keep giving you false memory’s  )

Tantric Vampire ( the power to feed off of sexual energy )

Soul Absorption ( the power to devour the soul’s of other’s ) - [ Thay butcher your soul like cut’s of different meat just like a butcher )Cruse inducement ( The ability to lay a negative effect upon whatever you apply the energy ) - [ also knowed as inforceing bad karma, or the hex effect upon some one or a area or a object ]

Behavior manipulation ( the power to manipulate the behaviors of someone ) - [ soul control ]

Brain manipulation ( The power to manipulate the brain of oneself and/or other )

Emotion manipulation ( The ability to control the emotions of others ) - [ like making you betray some one and then make you laugh at them then spike your anger to kill them, your there little puppet ]

Mental manipulation ( The power to modify and control the thoughts, Mindsets, and upper brain Functions of others )

Psychic Energy Manipulation ( The ability to manipulate psychic energy energy )

Psionic inundation ( The ability to overload another mind, causing pain, memory loss, lack of consciousness, vegeative state and/or death )

Sound Manipulate ( the ability to manipulate sound and sound wave’s, and create any sound )

Audible inundation ( the power to create voice sounds in othere’s head’s. )

Soul manipulation ( the power to manipulate soul’s ) - ( only if thay have a deep enough connection with the host ) - ( or there many more then one in the same host, willing or unwilling it dose not matter )

Hallucination solidification ( The ability to solidify any illusions or hallucination )

Illusion Manipulation ( the power to create and manipulate illusions )

Mental Hallucination ( The power to creat mental hallucinations on high levels) - ( thay spam this shit back to back in order to keep you under there control ) - ( it’s hell trust me ) - ( thay can do it’s weather you awake or asleep, dead or alive )

Maddness Manipulation ( the power to absorb, create and manipulate maddness/Insanity with one self, others or the maddness energy around )

( if your possessed thay will play on your reality and keep you in a 1000 dream’s with in a 1000 dream’s more all looping into a endless amount of false reality’s, it’s worst then your worst nightmare - also LSD and other form’s of acid got nothing on this and the shit dose not end when your dead it only get’s stronger, far stronger )

butterfly effect ( thay got this power to a very high extreme )

obsolescemce ( the power to make everything and anything, uesless wothrless and broken, even magic or also know as energy’s )

omnilock ( The power to exist outside of everything )

omnipresential attack ( can attack regardless of there of their location ) - ( if thay have a psychic lock on your life force or essence )

nigh-unimind ( to be connected to all living and non-living being’s ) this is more like mage possession but still you get the point you cant run and you can’t hide and NO ! there not god, but sure act like it, i mean there power’s are there power’s, i hope you get what i mean.

Enhanced Speed - ( there extremely fast, thay could out run the flash, and 25 second’s later the flash might get there, there extremely fast, but then again thay are ethereal so. )  

Meta - possession

Psionic Energy Siphoning

Psionic Energy Manipulation

Dynamokinesis  - ( also called Ergokinesis  or Autokinesis  )

Hatred Empowerment

Phobikinesis

there Poltergeist …

Tele-Transportation - ( also called flash step or Teleportation )

Psionic Inundation

Mentalism - ( also called Magic-Psionic Unification  or just Psionic Magic )

Psychic Affinity/Augmentation/Empowerment

  The fog dose not Come from a realm near us - it's like I said it came from the out very outer veil - and started Attacking Human's first ??? and then animal's and then all the energy's even the god's ...

It, could be why thay "Disappeared" - 

=============================================

 I an also give you Brain Fog - and if your Possessed it will Do this

( Keep in mind brain this is The Small Scale of it's Control over you )

( Can also with a psy Grip for you to NOT See object of intent or need

if your going to something it can erase it from your eye's, it's still there - or if there a object of need it can hide it time Space as in Put it in a closest - A Piece of Null Space

if you see a shadow there the shadow people are already gone there people are wiped out by the fog, there doom it's already enslaved them -

this is why you see shadow attacking, there undead zombie's, thay used to be a people, but it wiped them out as a whole - )

 this in order too - Control you for it's biding - as in Attack the world around or you

Feed on other so it made drain what you Gotten, and t will drain out of you what you drain other

become a solider of the dammed

( this is not related to hell or the devil in any way i Solemnly Swear it - )- ( it's a different kind of "Dammion" )

it will want the possessed entity to get near a person so it may drain them threw you as a aura

but inside you it's like a universe of tornado's of Vamp, Wrapped in Million singularity's all flowing threw you- and you have Lost al free Will of Your soul

it will Already - Try to infect you and use you again you on a sub level - this is one way it can drive people crazy it will infect the Subconscious

and it will Work it's way to - Conscious

it Mostly Possess lesser life form's like bug's and animal's

bug's are extremely Common for it to possess -

it want's to devour - everything and destroy, that go's for both demon's and angle's aka hero's and villain's in the real world

Like i said it's foe to all - it's in a metaphor it's pure scrin, it's not nod nor is it GDI